Men
As a boy, I cried at everything, from the death of a dog on the movie I was watching, to having to leave my friend’s place earlier than I wanted to. To say I was confronted starkly and early with the ideas of masculinity would be putting it lightly. In the past decade or so, perhaps as a response to the rise in conversations about women and feminism, men’s issues have been heavily debated. Despite what your typical masculinity-sphere influencer would have you believe, men’s issues are a topic of conversation for all of those I’ve met and had an interesting and deep discussion with. Why then does it seem like every grifter and their crypto coins wants you to believe that men’s issues are this deeply repressed and taboo topic that are only discussed by those who are brave enough to challenge the mainstream media?
The first person to introduce me to the term misandry was my brother. Embroiled in a relationship with a young woman who was the staunchest of feminists I had met in my life up to that point seemed to bring about the family tradition of contrarianism. If you’ve read enough of my articles, you know my opinions on opposing thought, that in a healthy and practical matter it can help us mold ourselves into more refined individual and we can find ourselves with beliefs that are much more nuanced and well thought out.
As for me, I remember when that very same friend frowned at me when I talked about women negatively around her, I said something to the effect of I’m a nice guy and girls don’t want that. It’s almost embarrassing to admit, but at one point I was like that. I knew the stereotype and I felt it didn’t apply to me. In my mind, my last relationship ended because the draw of a more hypersexual lifestyle was appealing to my girlfriend then what I had envisioned. In reality I was a shitty boyfriend who broke her heart and constantly let her down. It took me maybe three years before I took an ounce of responsibility for the relationship.
This informs my mindset going into a length of time when intimacy was not often found. I stayed single for nine years. There was tonnes of unrequited love and even some requited exchanges. The first four years were the ones where I was actively attempting, I still had some confidence from being with my ex and so I went after a few different girls in university. Mostly ones that didn’t have the slightest interest in me. Even the ones that did have interest in me I’d find a way to majorly fumble them. I was a meek, insecure, and deeply uninteresting person. As time went on and particularly around 2019 or 2020, I truly began to work on myself. I had come to grips with the fact that I needed to make major changes in my life and be happy with myself before I could be happy with anyone else. I worked on my fitness and my weight, I read and wrote more, I continued to advance my career, I refined my tastes, I moved away from home. The hardest part about the whole thing was wondering why I hadn’t been like this 10 years ago.
I really started to go on dates again about two years ago now. While they are all stories in their own right it was really nice dating, I got too invested at least twice, but each one was a learning experience in what it was I wanted in someone else. I think my confidence has never been higher than it is right now. In my entire life. This has led me to some greener pastures.
When I see and hear about other men dating, I really do cringe at the thought. I’m not out here to give women a free pass as relationships are 100% two-way streets, but it feels far more appropriate for me to criticize the mistakes I see men make as opposed to what I feel women do wrong.
I won’t speak on relationships that are grounded in religion as I personally have a problem with ideology, this should be well known about me at this point as well.
Where I criticize men is often how insecure they can be. So many men I know don’t believe their partner can have friends of the opposite gender. It’s such an absurd and outdated idea, but it’s constantly and continuously perpetuated by men. It’s often an incredibly hypocritical ideal as more often than not they don’t follow it themselves. The ones that do follow it often barely view women as people. Too many guys I have seen incapable of communicating with women, not saying a word to them when they are around.
Growing up, I had nearly as many friends who were guys as I did who were girls. I never felt emasculated when I hung out with girls, they were always fun and kind people. In many cases hanging out with women is a lot easier than hanging out with guys, you are a little freer to express yourself and your thoughts. I find either gender as judgmental as the other, but I think that’s an issue with people and that it isn’t gender specific. Something the average guy would judge me for isn’t the same as what the average girl would judge me for. In my experience, the people I really gravitate towards share this opinion on men and women with me. I find guys who are incapable of creating and maintaining platonic relationships with women are often stunted emotionally or maturity-wise. They often grow into brash and abrasive people who care little for the feelings of others.
This currently feels like a lecture on men, but I promise it isn’t an indictment of them as a whole. In my experience most men are just as emotionally and intellectually complex as anyone else. I find there’s often a long road that most men follow to get to that point, but the men I’ve respected the most in my life are the ones who are honest about that path and that struggle. Letting go of the victim mentality and taking responsibility for themselves and not allowing the whims of the world determine how good we are or are not.
One of the greatest changes I made in my life was being more adventurous with food. Once I discovered that finding a little hole in the wall restaurants and meals was exciting. The alternative effect it had on me was how it made me a more interesting person. Far more interesting than my thoughts on literature that are obscure enough that the general public doesn’t know of its existence and the people who do know it hates it as being entry-level trash. I’m not saying don’t read, you should read, and you should read everything and anything you can get your hands on. What I’m saying is learn about your city, learn a new language, run a marathon, climb a mountain. Being a “man” as it pertains to me is being open-minded, strong-willed, determined, and being honest about oneself. These few ideals have shaped my life into something so utterly different than the pit of sorrow it used to be that I consider myself a nearly unrecognizable person.
Life is meant to be lived. Denying the fact that I live an immensely privileged life in comparison to most of the world is so wholly ignorant I could never entertain the idea anymore. I think to myself, I must live this life I have the way anyone in my position would. I need to work to make the world a better place for everyone on it, and I have to love and appreciate the things that have been given to me. I must be grateful and opportunistic. I must attempt to give as much as has been given to me. I believe my calling to be healing a generation of men harmed by the internet and influencers. Men who are told, work and nothing else until when? Men who will never willingly choose to be vulnerable because it makes them look weak. Men who will go to war for a country that does not care if they live or die. Men who will have children and will need to influence the next generation to ensure we can live on.
The goal shouldn’t be fame, fortune, an instagram model girlfriend, a maserati, a rolex. These meaningless material items will not fill the hole in your heart.
The goal should be the ability to make a room of faces brighten long and wide with a smile. Helping at a local soup kitchen to feed the homeless. Being there for someone when they really need you. As a man you are an able body and you should seek to create a world better than it was left to you. Do not stop questioning truth and push towards a greater understanding of the world around you in a way that progresses the plight of humanity and not of a corporation.
I thought about billionaires while I was walking on the street the other day, there was a gentle breeze in the air, I was grinning ear to ear because of a message I had read on my phone. As I breathed in the cool wind, the laughter of school children could be heard as they played at recess, I walk by this school on my way to the canal every day. The sun was set very high in the sky, but the after rain effect kept my body at a good temperature, I walked on the side of the street with the most tree coverage. I know in my heart that no yacht, not island, no amount of tax shelter would ever make me happier than how those cool summer days hit my skin. How the smell of a freshly cooked meal for a loved one tickles the inside of my heart. How the immense emotion of finishing a half-marathon and having your father pat you on the back feels. I know in their shoes it would all be nothing, there would be no feeling and no want. My life is grounded, rich, and minimally stressful. I accept this and am eternally grateful for it.
I was once someone I would be disappointed in. But the feeling of growing into someone I am always proud of is a feeling I wish everyone could experience. A perspective so rich, life becomes a vibrant tapestry of experiences that are worth fighting for. In this I hope you’ll fight to feel this way as well. I hope you’ll view life as a climb towards becoming better. I hope you will fight.
It is with strong moral fortitude that we move the world to change in a way that is better. It is with understanding and patience that we can have the conversations that need to be had. It is with strength of will and dedication that changes will get made. Humanity is capable, we must prove it to be so.
